When a boss frequently uses phrases like “I expected this or that ….”

When a boss frequently uses phrases like “I expected this or that from you/ your role” it can feel toxic or demoralizing, especially if it’s framed in a critical or negative context. This type of communication may indicate deeper issues in the working relationship or environment. Here’s how to interpret and manage this type of behavior:

Why It May Feel Toxic:

Undermining Confidence:

• Repeatedly hearing statements like “I expected more from someone in your role” can make you feel like your contributions are undervalued or that you’re not meeting expectations, even if you’re doing your best.

Vague Criticism:

• If these statements are not accompanied by specific feedback, they can feel vague and unfair. Without clear examples or guidance on what can be improved, you’re left uncertain about what is actually expected of you.

Subtle Shaming:

• The phrase can be a subtle form of shaming, implying that you’re falling short, but without offering constructive feedback. It can make you feel inadequate or anxious about your performance, especially in a senior role where expectations are naturally high.

Power Play:

• Sometimes, bosses use these types of phrases to assert dominance or remind you of their authority. This can create a power imbalance, where you feel constantly judged rather than supported.

Possible Reasons Your Boss is Saying This:

High Expectations:

• Your boss may genuinely have high expectations for someone in a senior role, but they may not be effectively communicating what those expectations are. This could be a reflection of their own stress or demands rather than a direct attack on you.

Poor Communication Skills:

• Some managers struggle with giving feedback constructively. They might not know how to provide helpful guidance and default to passive-aggressive comments.

Unrealistic Expectations:

• Your boss could have unrealistic expectations for your role or workload. Instead of addressing systemic issues (like a lack of resources or support), they might shift the blame onto you.

Frustration with Other Issues:

• It’s possible your boss is dealing with pressure from higher up and using you as an outlet. This often happens when leaders feel the need to vent their frustrations but don’t do so constructively.

How to Respond and Manage the Situation:

1. Request Specific Feedback:

• When your boss says, “I expected more from someone in a senior role,” ask them for specifics. Respond with:
• Example: “Can you provide specific examples of where I didn’t meet expectations? I’d like to understand so I can improve in those areas.”
• This shifts the conversation to concrete points and helps you avoid feeling like you’re in the dark.

Align on Expectations:

• Schedule a one-on-one meeting to clarify expectations for your role. Ask what specific results or behaviors they’re looking for so you can ensure you’re meeting them.
• Example: “I want to make sure we’re on the same page about what success looks like in my role. Could we outline key goals together?”

Document Your Accomplishments:

• Keep a record of your accomplishments, including any feedback you’ve received. This helps you to be clear about your contributions and defend your performance if needed.
• In case of further vague criticism, you can refer to your achievements and ask how they align with the expectations.

Set Boundaries:

• If the comments start to feel demoralizing and are not helping you improve, it’s okay to politely set boundaries. Let your boss know that while you value feedback, you need it to be constructive and actionable.
• Example: “I really appreciate feedback, but it would help me more if we could focus on specific areas where I can improve or contribute differently.”

Evaluate the Environment:

• If this behavior is persistent and your boss remains critical without offering support, you might need to assess whether this is a healthy work environment for your long-term growth.
• Toxic patterns of communication that are not addressed can lead to burnout and job dissatisfaction.

Seek Support:

• You may also consider talking to HR or a trusted mentor within the organization if the behavior continues. It’s important to have allies or someone to help mediate the situation if it escalates.

Final Thoughts:

It’s important to recognize when feedback is constructive versus when it’s toxic or unhelpful. If your boss’s frequent remarks feel like they are eroding your confidence or not offering clear guidance, it might be a sign that their communication style needs improvement. Approach the situation with professionalism, and prioritize clarity and open dialogue. But, also, protect your well-being by setting boundaries and addressing the issue head-on when necessary.